How To: Become a Pop Star

1.)    Erase your old identity

2.)    Create a new one

3.)    Sing “well”

4.)    Regret steps 1 & 2

How to: Have Conversation Etiquette

Let’s take a quick trip back to 2009 for a moment.

Cheeky Words Rant Vault:

June, 19, 2009 9:13 pm

“I’m really bored right now. So in my boredom I will type stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I could call people, but I don’t feel like upholding the conversation. It seems as if every time I talk on the phone, that’s exactly it- I’m the one talking. I don’t want to seem overbearing by talking uncontrollably, but if I don’t talk-nothing seems to be said. I think humanity has come to a saddening halt in relation to phone conversations. I mean, people like texting and instant messaging because it’s hard, cold, and easier than speaking face to face. Have we become the robots here?”

 

So that was an excerpt from a long rant I typed back in 2009. I think I was contemplating calling a friend, until I realized she had little to no conversation etiquette.  Talking to her was like talking to a brick, so instead of calling her I decided to harass Microsoft Word for an hour.  This post will include more excerpts from this 2009 rant. Here are 3 conversation etiquette tips. Pens and pencils at the ready!

 

Conversation Etiquette 101

Problem #1 The Non responder

“It pisses me off when I’m instant messaging someone, and then it takes them an hour and a *#$@! half to respond to my simple message. I mean I know the person I’m instant messaging could be talking to someone else, or watching TV or some &*% but if you’re going to type to me, and I instantly respond-don’t take 10 minutes to respond, log off, then don’t talk to me. Tell me you’re busy, or tell me that you can’t multitask. Don’t have me, sitting at the computer seeing the little thing at the bottom of Facebook telling me that you’re writing, and then I don’t receive anything. That pisses me off. It’s ironic; I guess instant messaging is not so instant anymore.”

–Solution:  As stated in the excerpt above, if we’re chatting online and you’re busy, tell me instead of virtually standing me up.

Problem #2 The Yawn Fest

“I can’t stand boring conversations. I’m talking about the type of conversation everybody has about 1 billion times in their lifetime; especially college students. Boring conversations are like: ‘Hey, what’s up?  How’s school? Boring, I can’t wait to graduate.  What are you doing this weekend? I hate studying, school is boring, I can’t wait to graduate, blah, blah, blah’. I mean…get some freaking inspiration to explore the other fields of conversations instead of the same standard one that must have been encrypted into everyone’s brain from who knows when.”

–Solution: Ignore the angst in that last post, I was 18. Of course standard “How was your day?” questions are necessary, but if I have known you for over a year and I need to bring out pillows every time we talk……your placement on my friend pyramid will be reevaluated.  I know superficial talk is comfortable and easy, but strap on that oxygen tank and dive a bit deeper once in a while.

Problem #3 The Instigator

“…..I thought it would be fun, until she opened her mouth. It’s one thing to talk about religion openly without trying to “save” or “preach” to someone, and it’s another thing to freaking judge everything that does not agree with your own beliefs.”

-Solution: I am all for talking about topics like politics, religion, etc.  BUT, there are some people who don’t understand that at other people’s opinions differ.  When talking about something potentially controversial, and someone doesn’t agree with you, chiilllllll. Whoever invented the phrase “let’s agree to disagree” needs a tree planted in their name.

I had a lot more to say in that 2009 rant but I can only type fake curse words ( like “3$&^*!”) so many times.

Cheers!

How to: Get Over an Existential Crisis

A wise woman once told me “at the heart of every existential crisis is a young child wanting to be fed…Now clean your mirror”. Yes, if you’re wondering, that was me talking to myself in my bathroom mirror. Now I am neither wise, nor a woman yet, but I am well-versed in dealing with existential crises. For those who still doubt my knowledge on the subject: I am a college graduate and unemployed. Again, I am well-versed in dealing with existential crises.  Now let me explain what I mean when I compare ones existential crisis with the wants of a hungry child.

My little sister walks into my room and asks me to make her something to eat. She’s 18 but for the sake of this story, pretend she’s 7.  I tell her to hold on for a second while I finish sending out an email.  In those 10 minutes she had to wait, she acted as if her life was ending. The angry grunts, the pacing back and forth, the complaining; all similar behavioral traits one can find from those individuals going through an existential crisis. Now, I didn’t write all of that to tell you to make your sibling a sandwich. In both situations the solution to the problem is simple: patience and nourishment.

I think it’s great to want certain things for yourself, and set goals that you want to eventually accomplish; hunger is natural. But I also think society does a good job of telling us where we should be depending on our age. If you’re a 15 year old girl you should be starting to date and wear make-up. If you’re a 50 year old guy should be buying a motorcycle due to your midlife crisis. When we don’t meet these deadlines, we start to go into panic mode: “why haven’t I started dating yet?” “Why haven’t I saved the world yet?” “Why does everyone else have it together?” I think the earlier you find out everyone DOESN’T have it together, the less you’ll care about irrelevant “deadlines”, and the faster you’ll be able to make your own metaphorical sandwich.

-Cheers!

How to: Not Be an Overly Possessive Friend

So you want to know how to NOT be an overly possessive friend. Well, thankfully you came to the right place. Now first of all we need to define what an “overly possessive friend” is.  Now, the 1997 Journal of Words defines an overly possessive friend (OPF) as “one who secretly forbids any/ all other people from befriending their closest friend”.  This mentality stems from the OPF’s need to preserve the exclusiveness of the relationship. Current research from “scientists” reveals that 1 out of 5 friendships end due to friend-baggers (i.e. acquaintances who befriend/steal your friend).  These numbers have explained the steady rise of OPFs over the last few years. OPFs vary in severity. These 3 following categories are examples of how one can becomes an OPF.

Category 1

If you are in this category then you are aware of a friend-bagger eying your best friend. Like the steadfast elk that you are, you raise your antlers; signaling to the friend-bagger “back off”. If you can identify with this situation, then you have nothing to be afraid of. Your friendship is probably still intact, and everything is relatively ok.

Category 2

At this stage your friend befriended said friend-bagger, they’ve formed a close friendship, and you say to yourself “when did this happen?” This stage is the where the bricks of exclusiveness you’ve been laying for 3 long years gets knocked down by some heifer.

Category 3

Your friend and said friend-bagger start to have their own inside jokes, they start eating together, and you’re not longer the main friend in the relationship.  It may even seem as if you are completely being replaced.

We have defined and analyzed OPFs to the fullest extent. Don’t fret! I have solutions on how to fix this. The first thing you need to do is chill. Give the friendship some space. This doesn’t mean you should disappear out of your friends life, it just means you need to put the binoculars down, get off his/her Facebook page, and drink some tea. The second thing you need to do is take some time to do things by yourself. Have fun in your own company. When you become too dependent on other people, you tend to forget how to enjoy life in the singular lane. The third thing you need to do is buy the friend-bagger a one way ticket to Samoa, talk to your friend. You don’t have to say “aye yo, your new friend goes, or I bounce”; you can say “I miss us doing things together” or “we should catch up”, etc.

They key is instead of bashing your friend for forming a new friendship, let him/her know that you would like to hang out more. Instead of being overly possessive of him/her, create something that only the two of you can share, like: weekly trips to the gym, movie nights on Thursday, or lunch every other Monday.

-Cheers!

How to : Talk to your recently married friends

You are reading this right now because your friend just got married or just because you have nothing else to do. Research studies performed by “scientists” have found that “every time a woman marries, a friendship divorces” (2001 Journal of Fake News). Those are some heavy statistics. However, I have the solution to get that dusty old window of communication open again.

Now there is a rumor floating around about how married couples are boring and only whisper amongst themselves and other married couples. This is completely true, and there are three reasons for this. (1). Married couples develop their own language. Similar to how animals have their own methods of communication (i.e. baboon eyelid flash), married couples tend to talk in code/signals/whispers that only they can understand; this can be extremely uncomfortable for any innocent friends who happen to be close enough to witness this. (2.) Friends don’t want to look like they’re prying. To avoid looking thirsty for details, friends don’t ask their newlywed friends about anything too specific. Friends of newlyweds are more affected than friends of longer marriage partners. (3.) The newlywed friend no longer feels comfortable sharing details about his/her life. This is due to the fear of judgment, and in some cases, a marital obligation to secrecy. This friend is a recipe for no-communication soup. Drop your spoons–the trick to fixing this will all be revealed! Below are 3 simple steps that will teach you how to talk to your married friend.

Step 1: BE HONEST AND ASK THE QUESTIONS YOU WANT TO ASK.

• DON’T ask open ended-questions!  How was your day? NO. How’s the husband? NO. Your newlywed recently divorced (NWRD) friend will just generate a generic response like “good”. You have to ask the questions that really matter. Examples include: “What’s the biggest fight you two have gotten into since getting married?”, “How does it feel to literally be a housewife?”, or “Have you have great, passionate…kids yet?” This is an opportunity where you really have a chance get creative here.  After you ask the questions you can get out the popcorn and really observe as your NWRD sweats and uncomfortably tries to change topics.

Step 2: DOUBLE DATE

• If you’re NOT in a relationship and your friend is married, you are even more curious about your friend’s marriage because you yourself do not have an oaf to give commands to at your leisure. *A moment of silence*. If you ARE in a relationship this perfect—you can double date. Double dating gives you the unique experience of asking the hard hitting questions and watch as the NWRD couple answers the questions I suggested in STEP 1. You can grill the husband and watch him roast himself up in the flames of your quick fire tongue. “So, how often do you guys just, go out?”, “What did you get her for Valentine’s day?” .Keep the questions going, and you’ll get answers.

Step 3: Ladies Night Out

• Get your NWRD out of her house and onto the streets! Chances are she’s getting kind of sick of her husband’s shenanigans anyways. If your NWRD drinks, buy her a shot of tequila. If she doesn’t drink, buy her 2 cupcakes. She’ll politely eat one with you, and ravenously devour the other one at home as she reminisces over the fun night you all just had. Alcohol and sugar-highs are two ways to get women talking. This is the easiest and quickest way to get all the info you want!

If you follow these steps, sooner rather than later your NWRD friend will upgrade back to BFF status!